I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Truth be told, I have been waking up with a heavy heart for the past few days and I am certain it is not my melancholic self rearing its ugly head again. On the contrary, it is a sign that my faith is wavering, therefore doubt and unbelief was gradually eating deep into my God-confidence state of mind.
So I had been out of work for over two months. You see, I work on contract basis and often times than not, I would normally experience a ‘short-break’ before another contract comes up. So why is this situation any different? Certainly, you would think I should have anticipated the break and carry on with life as usual. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for me on this occasion. This was due to my growing frustration of not being successful at the job positions applied for because there always seems to be one candidate who had clocked more years of experience than me. Of course it was very frustrating to hear that, and there were some days I had silently wished that I was born earlier in order to eliminate my competition in the labour market.
So I woke up today with the same heavy heart that I had nursed the yesterday. My to-do-list for the day didn’t help matters as it had the list of job applications I needed to work on. But rather than work on any, out of nowhere, repressed tears, sadness and ager wailed up inside me. I had a thousand and one questions to ask God at this point. Like I would seriously like to know why I have not been able to find another job, afterall He knows how much I enjoy to work. The tears rolled down my cheeks freely and even the worship music playing at the background intensified the tears rather than soothe my soul and spirit.
In the midst of it all, I silently asked God to please help my unbelief. It was the only prayer I could render because at this particular moment, I knew I didn’t need a job or anything related to career. I knew I needed to retrace my steps back to trusting God and believing that He has got my back. While still in my ‘God has forgotten me ‘ state of mind, Proverbs 3:5-6 that says
“trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen to God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He is the one who will keep you on track” (MSG)
came to mind. Slowly, I began repeating the verses back to myself. I don’t know how many times I repeated the verses to myself. But after a while, my heartache felt lighter and gradually, I remembered that I was the daughter of the Most High and
“… the nights [or mornings] of crying [my] eyes out give way to days of laughter” (Ps 30:5).
While I am certain that there are people going through a lot more than I am at the moment and are losing faith, I hope I can encourage one person today to ask God to help their unbelief. I have come to realise that being a Christian and being totally sold out to God does not remove crises, challenges and unpleasant circumstances from our lives. However the scripture reminds us that
“…in all these things [trouble, hard times, hatred, hunger, homelessness, bullying threats, joblessness, unbelief], we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us ( Rom 8:37 NIV &MSG )
.So having asked God to help my unbelief today, I am (again) rededicating my faith and making the conscious effort to focus not on my problems, but on Jesus Christ who is both ‘the pioneer and perfecter of faith’ (Heb 12:2).
While the circumstance still remains the same, I have three resolutions to keep to help me keep faith even as I battle with another application or interview. The resolutions are:
- Regaining my faith and trusting God from the bottom of my heart
- Not working my mind and head into a state of frenzy in my fruitless attempt to figure things out by myself
- Listening to God’s nudging and direction of the Holy Spirit so I don’t go off tangent.
These are the three simple things I need to consistently remember right now and in the days to come to help my unbelief. Hope you can trust God to help you with your unbelief too regardless of how bleak you feel the future looks.